For the First Time Ever
by 2nd-chanced
Summary: Dean tells Castiel about Supernatural: The Musical to try and lighten the mood. What he doesn't expect is the angel taking the news so poorly. I do not own Supernatural. I don't know if it's good but we'll see.


He couldn't believe he was doing this. He, Dean Winchester, was not only having a 'chick-flick' moment with Cas; he was also bringing up the case Sam and he had worked on with that musical about their lives.

Don't get him wrong, Dean absolutely never wanted to bring it up to the angel ever, but after all the heavy stuff they had just gone over, it seemed like a necessary and light-hearted topic change.

"So Cas, did Sam ever mention that case we worked at that all-girls school, the one where they were doing a musical performance based on the _Supernatural_ books?" The words came out in such a rush that Dean wasn't sure if Cas even heard him, and he was beginning to rethink going into this subject after all. It was too late, though. Dean could see that Cas had heard him after all, and was starting to speak.

"Sam had not told me of any case involving musical performances. Whenever we spoke over the last few months, it was always about your current condition with the Mark." And there it was, Castiel's famous concerned and confused head tilt making itself known. "Why, was there something of import that I should know about the case?"

Of course Cas would think this was a 'business-as-usual' topic, seeing as how any other time Dean and him have their 'talks,' transitions are always to a more serious and less 'feelings-related' subject.

Dean just shook his head and laughed. "No, nothing of 'import' for you to know. It's just, there were some interesting things those kids came up with for their show and I thought it would make a good laugh to tell you. And, y'know, I think I could use a good laugh right about now." He began to rub the back of his neck as he looked to Castiel briefly before turning away again. He didn't know why he was so nervous about telling the angel anything that happened there.

When Castiel merely nodded his head in understanding, Dean knew he could should keep going. "Well, for starters, the things was a freakin' musical! I know I said that earlier, but c'mon man. There is no singing in Supernatural." That earned a small chuckle from Cas and Dean felt encouraged and confident about continuing on. " Then, we find out that this is actually the writer slash director's interpretation of the books, so there are a lot of things in her show that never happened in the books. I mean, I see mine and Sam's characters standing too close to each other when rehearsing and she says it's subtext. Really, why does everyone assume that Sammy and I are gay? And why do they especially think we're gay for each other?" Dean adds a shudder at the end for effect and glances over to see his friend trying his hardest to fight off a humored grin.

There's no stopping Dean at this point, since just seeing Cas smile is making himself feel worlds better than before. "While all this is going on, we're also trying to figure out what's took the drama teacher, and then later the girl who played Sam. I was questioning the director for any last-minute information before Sam and I left for the day, and then I saw the most unexpected thing ever. The girls who played you and me, while in costume and everything, were hugging and holding hands. I was so shocked that I blurted out 'Is that in the show?' much harsher than I would have meant to." Dean was so into his storytelling now that he didn't realize Castiel's grin had completely dropped and was replaced by an almost sad frown. "She told me that it wasn't in the show, that the girls were actually together in real life, but then went on to tell me that they do explore the 'nature of Destiel' in the second act. Destiel, by the way, is the combination of our names. But seriously, they think that there's subtext in the books indicating that we'd be into each other. I was appalled when I first heard it, but looking back now it's kinda funny. Right. Cas?"

There was no response from the angel, and when Dean glanced over he saw the look that now resided on the angel's face. It confused the Winchester since he figured the angel would find it as outrageous as he does. At the very least, he thought he would have donned his signature head tilt and be lost in confusion over it. He never expected the nearly sad frown on his best friend's at the mention of them being together in a play.

"Cas, what's wrong?" No response. "Cas! You're worrying me, what's wrong?" When the angel at last turns his eyes on Dean, they are filled with pain.

"Dean…" Cas' sigh after his name told Dean this wasn't going anywhere good. "I am sorry that I worried you, but I was shocked by what you said. You're telling me that a mere human girl, who had only ever read the books, thought that there was something between us."

Dean wasn't sure where this was going. "Um… Yeah."

"Then I am sorry Dean. It appears that our 'profound bond' was more obvious than I had ever realized. I should have known, after all everyone in both Heaven and Hell seemed to make references to the same thing as that girl. Had I realized, I could have tried to hide it or I could have stayed away more..." Cas was working himself into such hysteria at this point that Dean could barely make out everything he was saying.

But still, he heard enough to be even more confused.

"Cas! Cas, hey buddy, slow down. Why are you apologizing and saying that you should have stayed away more often?" He couldn't help the hurt that slipped into his voice with what he said next. "You're hardly around as is, why would it be better to here even less?" Clearing his throat, he turned away from the angel and stood. "I mean, how could you possibly think that would have been better." Great. Now Dean was becoming hysterical as well.

"I don't know that it would have been better Dean, but I have just realized that my hanging around you made you and Sam even bigger targets for any of my enemies or brothers and sisters. If I had stayed away more, then maybe they wouldn't have been as inclined to use you to get to me." Cas stood now as well, and nearly fell to the ground as Dean whipped around and into his personal space.

"Don't you dare, Cas. You were just as much a target because of enemies of Sammy and me had as we were because of yours. But guess what? We dealt with them, all of them. So don't you dare say anything would have been better with you gone." There was a long pause and silence threatened to fall upon them. Dean spoke up again, his voice just as angry and determined but much quieter now.

"You know, Cas, I thought telling you about that case would have given us something to laugh about. I didn't think you'd react like this to freakin' _fanfiction_. Hell, you never even said anything against the assumptions that we have feelings for each other." He brought Cas downturned faced upward so he could look, almost accusingly, in his eyes. "Are you going to or is there something else you should tell me?"

Castiel pulled his jaw out of Dean's grip and backed up a few steps before speaking. "We don't have romantic feelings for each other, Dean." There was no time for relief in Dean's eyes as Castiel continued to speak. "I am in love with you, no matter how much I wish I wasn't. The mistake in that girl's assumption is thinking that it's requited."

The world seemed to stop as Cas waited anxiously for Dean's response and Dean found himself speechless. The way Cas said that, whether really true or not, was enough to break Dean's heart. His friend said that his feelings were not returned with such an air of assurnce that it made Dean feel like a dick for not even treating Cas good enough that he felt there was no way Dean could love him back. Then suddenly, it hit him like a ton of bricks just what else Cas had said.

"You wish you didn't love me? Is it because I'm human?" Cas shook his head, looking ready to respond, but Dean interrupted before he could even start. "Then what the Hell is it , Cas?"

"It's because I don't deserve !" And now Cas was yelling, the wrath of the heaven in his eyes. "I'm merely an angel, and not even a good one at that, but you are the Righteous Man. You always have been, even long after the Apocalypse was stopped. How could I possibly measure up to you? Besides that, I mess up everything I set out to do. All of the 'right things' I tried to do, especially for you, ended up making a giant mess that you ultimately had to help me clean up. How could I possibly ever think to want you the way I do? I am a despicable being for it; you are a good man who deserves to be saved, and all I do is put you in danger." A tear slipped from Castiel's eye, surprising both Dean and the angel himself. "I love that you are human, humanity is what made me begin to feel in the first place. The only part of you being human that makes me wish I didn't have these feelings is your mortality. You are going to die one day, Dean Winchester, whether by monster or by time you will pass away. And it scares me, because I don't know what I am going to do once you are gone, Dean. Loving you can be painful now that you are alive, and I can only imagine that losing you will be worse. When you die, Dean, I will have nothing. I won't have Heaven, I won't have my family or friends, and I won't have _you_. So you see now, why I wish this wasn't so? Why I wish I didn't fall for you both metaphorically and literally?" Once more, Castiel locked eyes with Dean before turning and walking towards the entrance of the bunker in an effort to leave.

Dean let it all sink in slowly. There was so much pain in his friend's eyes and voice. How could he have missed it all these years? He stewed in his thoughts and his irrational guilt at being mortal. He knew it wasn't something he should feel sorry about, but he just wished that Cas could have forever. That _he_ could give Cas forever.

The realization hit him so hard that he almost fell over. He wanted to be with Cas forever. He was in love with the angel just as much as the angel loved him. Dean knew that he couldn't live forever, though, but he could give Cas the rest of his life.

And with that thought, Dean ran in the direction Castiel had gone. After all their time was short, and he didn't want to waste any more waiting for Cas to come back. He was gonna chase his angel. He was gonna chase his happiness, for the first time ever.


End file.
